"Today on BBC Sport, we turn to the disqualification of Didrik Armstrong from the Tour de France, when it was discovered that the other eight members of his team were Simacrulogues. There has long been suspicion in the global community that such tactics were in play, as Didrik's teammates often wear themselves to the point of exhaustion in order to support his win, while they themselves attain no glory.

"The deception was discovered this afternoon when the teammate riding just ahead of Armstrong collapsed on the track; Didrik blacked out at the same instant, prompting doctors to hook up a portable MRI to both individuals. When their brainwave readings appeared nearly identical, other team members were scanned as well.

"Mindsynch Inc., the worlds largest producer of Simacrulogues, said it holds no responsibility for any owner's use of their secondary bodies."